Fear

Last night I was laying in bed and I was tired and not hungry at all and I realized what is keeping me from success, FEAR! As I was dozing off I began thinking  "what if I can't sleep if I don't binge", I sure don't want that. I was so afraid of what would happen if I didn't binge that I got up and ate just to get rid of the fear. I have no idea what I am afraid of, success? That could very well be the reason even though I really want to be successful I seem to continue to sabotage myself. Why is it that I am not afraid of purging which destroys your body in every way imaginable but I am afraid to go without being able to binge. I have been put in the hospital several times for abusing myself and I am not even afraid of going to the hospital. I used to purge until I was throwing up blood, it would be running down my arm as I stuck my fingers down my throat and think nothing of it. I would be so out of whack that I had to wear adult diapers because I could no longer control my bowels. That didn't bother me either, the way I saw it was that if the poop was running out of me that would be more weight I would be losing. Why am I so afraid of changing all of that and just be healthy? My Aunt Amy said that is insanity that I keep trying every day and end up doing the same thing and expect different results. I am so trapped in all of this that it runs my life. Today is a new day and I will juice all day and tonight I will try my hardest not to binge tonight. If I don't sleep I can always read and if I am tired tomorrow from not sleeping I can nap so why am I still afraid?

Rain rain go away!

Today has been a very strange day for some reason. One of the reasons is that it is raining so I can't get out to ride my bike and I feel very trapped. I made my juice for today and tomorrow so I won't be caught without juice. I am not hungry today which is good, now all I need to do is start coffee enemas. They seem to make me feel great for awhile and then dehydrated so I really need to drink a lot of water. I have had this strange feeling all day that something is going to go wrong, something bad. I don't know what that is but I hate when I get this feeling and it sticks with me.

I really hate how I can't eat like a normal person. There is something wrong with me and I can't control what I am doing. Having a normal eating habit is impossible. I have tried it many times. I am a pig, that's all there is to it. I am like a crack head when it comes to food. I will do anything for my next hit, even taking food from my kids and that is just plain wrong. I can't describe it but something takes over and I have no shame for what I do. I would rather just go ahead and make myself puke so I can be thin but years of doing that has already taken a toll on my body.

I took a walk today and it wasn't even that far but I felt it was hard to drag my fat body around. I really need to start walking more and try to run. I have been depending on my bike for exercise and that is fun but I know I need more. I need to get as much exercise in before the weather turns cold and I am trapped in the house. I sure wish it would stay summer all year round!

Invincible - Childhood Domestic Violence

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Purina One 28 day Challenge

I know there are a lot of dog lovers out there so I wanted to share this link. Join the Purina One 28 day challenge and you can get a coupon for $3 off! I am a member of Smiley360 where I get free samples in exchange for my review. I will let you know what I think!              $3  Purina One Coupon

Day 2

My last day one didn't work out so well and I had to start over again. Day 1 was yesterday and it was a success so here I am at day 2!! I have really fuzzy teeth and feel like I am in a fog today but I am sure it will pass. I am also low on energy even though I slept well last night and I know from prior fasts that I need to increase my juice and water to make myself feel better.

I read an excerpt last night of a book coming out soon on adults that had a childhood of domestic violence. I honestly thought that the book was talking about me and it also brought back a lot of memories. It's a miracle that I survived to be where I am today. My husband is very supportive but he does not understand the things that go through my mind and things I cannot control like binge eating. He thinks if you are full then why would you not just stop eating? I tried to tell him that it is not about being full because I will binge until I am so sick to my stomach I can't sleep. When I was younger I would purge by making myself puke so that I wouldn't gain weight from my binges but I promised my husband I would stop doing that. He gave me an ultimatum, either stop making myself puke or he would leave. I love my husband very much and don't want to lose him so I am keeping my promise. Unfortunately that ends up with me being fat, horribly embarrassingly fat! I don't even feel sexy at all anymore and have really let myself go and now it is time to change that!

My granddaughters live with me and they are ages 2 and 4. When I look at them and they talk to me I melt with love. After reading the beginning of that book last night I am more in love with them than ever if that is even possible. I never ever want them to live in a world like I lived in and I want them to grow up knowing they are loved and happy. No one ever told me they loved me growing up so I probably go overboard with the "I love you's" but I want them to grow up normal and not all crazy in the head like I am.

I would like to share a link for the book that caught me by surprise so maybe, just maybe it will help someone with the same problems. You may need to copy and paste this link because I am not sure if it is clickable, enjoy!               http://h5.sml360.com/-/16hg