Fear

Last night I was laying in bed and I was tired and not hungry at all and I realized what is keeping me from success, FEAR! As I was dozing off I began thinking  "what if I can't sleep if I don't binge", I sure don't want that. I was so afraid of what would happen if I didn't binge that I got up and ate just to get rid of the fear. I have no idea what I am afraid of, success? That could very well be the reason even though I really want to be successful I seem to continue to sabotage myself. Why is it that I am not afraid of purging which destroys your body in every way imaginable but I am afraid to go without being able to binge. I have been put in the hospital several times for abusing myself and I am not even afraid of going to the hospital. I used to purge until I was throwing up blood, it would be running down my arm as I stuck my fingers down my throat and think nothing of it. I would be so out of whack that I had to wear adult diapers because I could no longer control my bowels. That didn't bother me either, the way I saw it was that if the poop was running out of me that would be more weight I would be losing. Why am I so afraid of changing all of that and just be healthy? My Aunt Amy said that is insanity that I keep trying every day and end up doing the same thing and expect different results. I am so trapped in all of this that it runs my life. Today is a new day and I will juice all day and tonight I will try my hardest not to binge tonight. If I don't sleep I can always read and if I am tired tomorrow from not sleeping I can nap so why am I still afraid?